More University Tips

For the first two tips, follow this link: http://adventuresofasuburbanstreetposse.blogspot.com/2012/03/tips-to-follow-before-going-off-to.html

Now, let's rock this shit.

3.) Tesco value

When going to university, it's vital to quickly realise that you are worth very little. I believe it was Loreal who once said 'you're worth it', well forget them - you're not. When you're living on a budget, 17p Tesco value no sugar Coke is all that you are worth. Tesco value 40% scotch for £9.79 is all that you're worth. Stolen pints left outside the bar and drinks blackmailed off of friends are all that you are worth.

I have a great* theory on all of this. When you're living on a budget, it's important not to kid yourself as being worth any more than the pathetic little creature** you are. In the first semester we bought 500 teabags from Sainsbury's for under £2 to cover our tea expenses for the next few months because we are realists. We know that we're not worth Waitrose fancy stuff - that's not on the cards for us (to paraphrase Ryan Gosling in The Notebook). Saving money and not getting used to the taste of slightly better tasting food and drink means that your expectations are lower from the offset - and you have more money to spend on booze and footballs and stuff (to desperately attempt to regain any masculinity following on from my Notebook reference).

*dubious

**student

If you're used to living the middle class dream, stepping down to the Tesco value reality is never going to feel right; it will never satisfy you. But if you never get used to that dream in the first place, falling down to reality won't hurt you. So here I preach onto the masses, who shall from here on be referred to as 'my followers on Twitter': don't aspire for anything. Don't reach for your 'dreams' and don't try and be more than you are. Dreaming is a dangerous business; you don't want to end up like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception where the only way you can taste your beloved Twinings tea is by hopping on the dream machine and getting your dead wife to make it for you.

I am essentially the prisoner in Plato's allegorical cave and I am satisfying myself by watching the shadows on the wall rather than breaking free from my chains, stepping outside and seeing the sky, but what Plato didn't tell you is that there's a man on the toll-booth outside charging visitors. I implore you all to come back into the cave, forget about that pretty outside world and join me in getting chained up - and after we're done hopefully I can convince you to start buying the cheap Supermarket stuff instead too.

I don't care how much your mum says you're special, Brad Pitt says you're not. Brad Pitt says drink Tesco value whisky and steal unattended drinks. Brad Pitt says fuck corporate fast food and stay in eating 11p noodles. Brad Pitt says steal babies from Africa and leave a far more attractive girlfriend to marry Angelina Jolie. Matt Damon says: 'Matt Damon'.

You're not special. Buy Tesco value: because you're worth nothing more.

Blog post sponsored by Tesco.