Sam Sadler

Ladies and gentlemen, I pre-emptively bring you the next internet sensation.

His name is Sam Sadler and he's absolutely phenomenal. He has about 150 videos of him singing, which are shit because he's not bad enough for it to be hilarious and not good enough to feasibly enjoy, but his real crackers are his 'how to' videos.

He basically takes requests on ideas of how to improve your love life. It started off with 'how to treat women', where he gives us the absolute gem "do not, I repeat do NOT stare and drool", which he notes is advice from experience. Next up came his most successful video 'how to treat men', where he coins his catchphrase 'tame the tiger', the man being the tiger. He has since taught us how to pull out a chair effectively for a lady at a restaurant, how to be confident and (my personal favourite) how to persuade a woman back to your house.

He's 15 years old and is constantly on 'pussy patrol', as he calls it. His catchphrase is '#alwaysonthelookout' and his next video is going to be 'how to deal with a messy divorce'. He has changed my life slowly; he has taught me that in clubs I should always go for the blondes, 'because blondes are more dirtier'. He has taught me that when in this club I should keep on touching her bum 'because girls love that'. This dude has changed my way of thinking, my outlook on life - he has opened my eyes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBpdO_eTzdE&feature=plcp&context=C3f26341UPOEgsToPDskI8QHFINQAuJcSe7X1v9RGF

This is 'how to persuade a woman back to your house', and I urge you to watch it. I don't wish to spoil it by telling you his advice before you've watched it, but it's real class.

Enjoy.

The AOASSP Top 10 Films of 2011

This is the first year in the history of mankind that Adventures Of A Suburban Street Posse's everything correspondent Jack has decided to compile a list of his favourite films, largely because he has belatedly discovered torrents and all the wonderful things that they entail. It is assumed that Harvey supports each one of these choices...wait, wait! Just in, we have signed notes from our so-called founding members in which they express their backing of this list!

Dear Readers
Oh, woe is me! How shalt one craft the wondrous poetic masterpiece eagerly awaited by the world's population when such meager matters as approving a list of motion pictures stand between my mojo and I! I shall sue you with my law powers!
Owen Wilson is well sexy tho.
Yours sincerely,
Harvey Slade


As a sidenote, I am totally listening to Huey Lewis & the News now. LOL. I'm so indie even the irony with which I'm enjoying it is ironic.

Runners-up: These are films I saw that I didn't care for enough to put them in the top 10.

• Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince Part Two - I actually saw this at the cinema twice. It was better when I was stoned. I'm of the generation that adores the books, but aside from the excellent casting and cool special effects, the films leave me more or less cold. This isn't bad, but it has none of the, ahem, magic that makes the book series so enjoyable. The little things count, and if only Warner Bros could see that instead of spending these homely stories blowing shit up. Do the hook-nosed Goblin bankers remind anyone of Jewish stereotypes, as well? Not that that's Rowling's fault, she can't exactly change folklore wholesale. Although David Yates did an admirable job directing Book 5, he has been treading water ever since (example; the AWFUL 6th film), and as was initially rumoured, Terry Gilliam would have been a far better choice as director.
• A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas - I love stoner films, but I'd never call them great art. Despite a very good script, this film often feels like cynical cash-in on the 3D crazy (fuck you, James Cameron, fuck Avatar, fuck fucking Titanic, and fuck everything you've ever done, you fucking fuck), and seen in glorious 2D, the showcases of the third dimension merely become self-indulgent budget-wasters that detract from the overall good standard of jokes. Although this is a better Christmas film than pretty much anything in years, they would've done well to remember that, as a stoner film, maybe a little bit more actual pot-smoking would appease their audience.
• Super 8 - This was a near-miss actually, as I enjoyed JJ Abrams' latest very much. It's produced by Stephen Spielberg but, don't worry, it doesn't completely suck balls! In fact, as a homage to the man's All-American sci-fi pictures of the 70s/80s it's fantastic, and full of juicy Cold War humour and spectacular extra terrestrial nonsense. Further kudos to Abrams for casting such a talented set of child actors as well. The overall message I got from "Super 8": fuck the military.

Films I wouldn't mind seeing but haven't got round to for whatever reason:

• Hugo - I've never seen a bad Martin Scorsese film, and have no reason to believe that he'll start now, even if making a 3D (ugh...) animated film for children.
• The Tree Of Life - Well, it sounds beautiful and everything. Brad Pitt is one of the greatest modern actors. I just can't help but think it'll bore me shitless.
• Shame - My friend Tom loves this film, and though I'm inclined to trust his opinion, I have no wish to have Michael Fassbender's penis waved in my face for an hour and forty minutes.

So, without further ado, onto the actual list, complete with more horribly amateur film criticism.

10. Submarine

Written and Directed by Richard Ayoade

Although strictly speaking, this is a 2010 film, here in the UK it came out in March 2011, when I saw it theatrically in my awful local cinema (the place to go if you want to see the least interesting new films around..."Submarine" being a rare exception, of course). At the start of the film, I was literally the only person in the cinema. A few more joined as it went along. I can see why this doesn't have mass appeal - Richard Ayoade's directorial debut, it's a curiously niche comedy engulfed by grim Welsh surroundings. This is precisely why I liked it; as opposed to your run-of-the-mill teen flick, the humour is particularly deadpan and even the (vague spoiler) happy-to-an-extent ending doesn't try and ram home any sentimental message. Special shoutouts to Sally Hawkins and Noah Taylor as Jill and Lloyd Taylor, and to Alex Turner for his pretty songs that soundtrack the film.

9. The Ides Of March

Written by George Clooney, Grant Heslov and Beau Willmon

Directed by George Clooney

George Clooney continues to prove he's not just a pretty face - something the best of us must do - as he is credited as director, writer, producer and actor in his latest artistic endeavor; this terse, cynical political thriller. In the lead is Ryan Gosling, again dispelling any doubts I had about his acting ability - the moment in which his cold, cool exterior gives way to emotional despair is truly striking. Clooney himself is fantastic as a governor whose politics are oh-so-agreeable, yet who himself is not so pleasant.

8. Horrible Bosses

Written by Michael Markowitz, John Francis Daley & Jonathan Goldstein

Directed by Seth Gordon

A gloriously trashy comedy film; "Horrible Bosses" is one of the few such pictures I have had the slightest interest in, as the genre of mainstream American (trashy) comedy is generally intent on missing out on the glory. The well-cast picture stars Jason Bateman (his horrible boss being a majestically nasty Kevin Spacey), Charlie Day (whose boss is a sexually aggressive Jennifer Aniston...yeah, I know, not my definition of "horrible" either) and Jason Sudeikis (whose boss is Colin Farrell as a complete fucking asshole with a comb-over.) These bosses are so horrible, that they all plot to kill them, because if they quit their jobs they'll be reduced to sucking dick for money like   their friend P.J. Byrne. Hi-jinks ensue. Of course, "Horrible Bosses" would be nothing without a good script, and as a matter of luck there are great lines throughout.

7. The Rum Diary

Written and Directed by Bruce Robinson

Johnny Depp's second appearance on this list is a film where he *does* do an impression; his best impression, for the record, which is that of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, the visionary Gonzo journalist whose book "Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas" is probably the greatest thing ever written. Bruce Robinson ("Withnail & I") came out of retirement to write and direct the film and, such was his commitment to capturing Thompson's decadent mood, started drinking alcohol again for the duration of the movie, after many years sober. As with the last film in which Depp portrayed Thompson, Terry Gilliam's 1998 cult-classic adaptation of "Fear & Loathing..." it has recieved mixed reviews, but those enthralled with Thompson's writing should find much to enjoy in "The Rum Diary".

6. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Written by Bridget O'Connor and Peter Straughan

Directed by Tomas Alfredson

In "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy", Gary 'Drexl Spivey' 'Lieutenant Jim Gordon' 'Sirius Black' 'Director of Nil By Mouth' 'Sid Vicious' Oldman is presented with an opportunity to do lots of brilliant acting, and as such, does lots of brilliant acting. I've never seen another Tomas Alfredson film, but he directs this one with great style - it's a gripping exercise in suspense, to use cliched language. This was a fantastic Cold War thriller, that didn't feel like a 2011 film, but one from a time when attention spans still existed.

5. Our Idiot Brother

Written by Evgenia Peretz & David Schisgall

Directed by Jesse Peretz

Paul Rudd plays Ned, a brainless but unquestionably nice and well-meaning hippy. I thought this was a great comedy film. Although the ending (without going into detail) was pretty corny, I laughed throughout, especially at the supporting roles of Kathryn Hann and Steve Coogan - the former as another brilliant hippy, and the latter as a pretentious asshole who makes documentaries yet doesn't want his kid to go on YouTube due to his aversion to "screens". Also of note in the supporting cast are Ned's sisters, who are hot, and one of whom is a lesbian Zooey Deschanel. 1,000,000 out of 10!

4. Drive

Written by Hossein Ameni

Directed by Nicholas Winding Refn

I'm never sure how I feel about Ryan Gosling as an actor - on the one hand he is certainly proficient and charismatic beyond question, but on the other, he seems strangely distant and unrelateable, rather emotionless. His performance in "Drive" works so well because he combines all of these points into the mesmerizing character of the Driver. An essential film for fans of gratuitous violence, it overall rides upon an insurmountable sense of tension and wonderfully effective slickness. Also of note is Carey Mulligan's heart-wrenching turn as Irene.

3. Blackthorn

Written by Miguel Barros

Directed by Mateo Gil

Sam Shepard portrays an elderly Butch Cassidy in "Blackthorn"; a stately, beautifully shot Western. Following the "Unforgiven" formula of a retired gunslinger partaking in one last adventure, Shepard completely inhabits the role of the man known in his Bolivian exile as 'James Blackthorn'. Around a quarter of the movie is in Spanish, which lead to me getting up repeatedly to adjust the subtitles settings (rather irritating, but my fault for pirating I guess) but the conviction in the acting and Mateo Gil's artful direction mean that even the foreign-language parts of "Blackthorn" are as suspenseful and powerful as the rest, whether you understand them or not. A great movie.

2. Rango

Written by John Logan

Directed by Gore Verbinski

The animation in "Rango" is incredible. With Johnny Depp at the helm of the cast (proving, as with the "Rum Diary" that as an actor he has not simply been reduced to a Keith Richards impersonator in fancy dress), this is a smart, hilarious kids' Western teeming with pop culture references. Many will, after the one-note "Pirates of the Caribbean" Series, see Gore Verbinski as a director of questionable talent - "Rango" proves that he is anything but. Although he continues to rely upon the superficial and fun, here he does it in an admirable way.

1. Midnight In Paris

Written and Directed by Woody Allen

I think, so sympathetic am I to the man's style, that I merely need to see the words "Written and Directed by Woody Allen" to lose any objectivity that might inform my opinions on a film. An example would be 2006's "Scoop"; terrible film, some said! Allen's worst self-parody since "Anything Else" (a film I like a lot)! He can't act anymore! His romantic view of Europe is nauseating! The script is wooden! "Scoop" is in my top 10 films of the last decade. Any film with that unmistakable touch of a master and lines such as "I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older I converted to narcissism", "I see the glass as half full...but of poison" and "The man is a liar and a murderer, and I say that with all due respect!" is guaranteed to win my affection.

  Allen's biggest commercial success in years (ever?) is a picture that's wonderful in its romanticism. Amusing caricatures of Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Dali, Porter, Picasso etc, and an immensely likable performance by Owen Wilson as Woody Allen (countered by Ringo Starr lookalike Michael Sheen [not Martin as I initially wrote] - who I saw last year in a mediocre version of Hamlet that was set in a mental institution for no fucking reason - as an obnoxious pseudo-intellectual) are its central selling points, of course. It's perhaps not as funny as many of his previous films, but deliberately so, and the jokes that are there are good; I especially enjoyed the cheap jibes at the Republican Party because, seriously, fuck the Republican Party. The cinematography is joyously beautiful. I loved Midnight In Paris, and to conclude, I feel I can merely quote Roger Ebert's review of it;

"This is Woody Allen's 41st film. He writes his films himself, and directs them with wit and grace. I consider him a treasure of the cinema. Some people take him for granted, although "Midnight in Paris" reportedly charmed even the jaded veterans of the Cannes press screenings. There is nothing to dislike about it. Either you connect with it or not. I'm wearying of movies that are for "everybody" — which means, nobody in particular. "Midnight in Paris" is for me, in particular, and that's just fine with moi."

The Best Album of 2011: "Apocalypse" by Bill Callahan

"The real people went away..."

I'm delighted to have the chance to review this fantastically wonderful album at a time when it is still contemporary music. This is because, although countless good albums are released each year, very rarely do artists in the 21st century release records that feel like unequivocal masterpieces in the same way as important works of genius like "Exile On Main Street", "Illmatic", "Raw Power" or "On the Beach". The latter is particularly relevant to this argument, being a lean, introspective eight-track LP by Neil Young, not unlike "Le Noise"; my favourite album of 2010.

"Apocalypse" holds a similarly economic amount of tracks; seven. With the exception of Free's, a pretty song on Side Two, the songs range from five to eight minutes long. Callahan himself put it succinctly; "There were no extra songs. I'm not an amateur." Each song on the forty-minute album is crucial in forming the sprawling, beautiful, autumnal landscape it inhabits, be it the wistful balladry of Riding For the Feeling and One Fine Morning, the two tracks in which the central theme of "my apocalypse" is broached, or the ultra lo-fi, wickedly funny, folky noise-rock of America. The aforementioned song was the single from "Apocalypse", released with a psychedelic video, and rollicks along on a peculiar beat, ear-splitting electric guitar wails, and ridiculous lines along the, uh, line of "I watch David Letterman, in Australia" As the groove winds down for a brief moment, Callahan quietly confides that "I never served my country"

This is an all-American album. I don't have to explain why. You only need to listen to the cattle-like percussion of Drover to see the Appalachian Mountains rearing ahead of you. Drover, is, of course, the most striking, and best, song of 2011 and an unqualified moment of musical worth. The influence of Neil Young looms yet again in the juxtaposition of the guttural electric guitar and the folk-based, lyrical songcraft. There will be no better lyrics on the few genuinely great (as opposed to the still-prevalent very good) albums of the last ten or so years ["Kid A", "Blood Visions", "Le Noise", "The Blueprint", "Ghosts of the Great Highway", "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" and a few others] than there are on the unremittingly gorgeous "Apocalypse" - and I say this having never given a Smog record or any of Callahan's previous solo albums a real listen. One of my best recent memories was, just after Christmas, driving along through the night with a close friend, baked out of our respective gourds, and knowing that a genuinely brilliant album was emitting from the car speakers.

"With the TV on mute,

I'm listening to the tapes

On the hotel bed

My my my apocalypse"

The Best Albums of 2011: no# 10-2

10. NODZZZ | "Innings"

Having got hip to Nodzzz's wonderfully fun and concise 15-minute eponymous debut earlier this year, I prowled the web for several minutes on a number of distant instances looking to find a leak of their expansive (it's almost 24 minutes long!!) sophomore release. Was it better than the first "album"? Shit no, boh! However, that's not a disparagement of this release's virtues; "NODZZZ" managed to succesfully consolidate all their wonderful ideas into a barrage of hooks with a perfect length. "Innings", in Nodzzz terms, perhaps does not sustain the mood quite as effectively. While Fear & Advice and Time (What's It Going To Do) are both incredible songs, they are garage-pop tracks with exactly the same rhythm and similar melodies, and without wanting to compromise the group's short-songs-are-best ethic, they could have created a magnificent three minute song by simply adjoining the two and retaining both the breezy harmonica of the former and the infectious guitar simplicity of the latter.

This is the only flaw of "Innings". The brevity of the tracks is refreshing, leaving no chance for any of the ideas to go stale. The lead guitar playing is reminiscent of David Berman's subtle, undistorted country-influenced licks on Silver Jews records. The rhythm guitar is uncomplicated thrashing. The drums are drums. I don't even think they have a bassist. Vocals bratty and appealing. The songs are great. It makes my 2011 list because very few other bands today have such a regard for, er, just playing some songs.

9. Ryan Adams | "Ashes & Fire"

I find it odd and lamentable that I have begun the first two entries of a list of albums I'm supposed to love by making derisive points about them, but here we go; some of "Ashes & Fire" is dull bullshit designed to appeal to Ryan Adams' irritating tumblr following for its romanticism, or that particular type of critic who doesn't seem to actually really like music, for its Americana leanings, which bring back memories of his solo debut "Heartbreaker". The tracks cursed by saccarine lyricism, weary tempos and unappealing melodies are Come Home, Rocks, Kindness and, though it has a rad gospel-esque arrangement, Save Me. The songcraft is very professional, and I would not describe any of these songs as bad. However, I will not defend their blandness and consistency for the same reason I find arguments that Coldplay are "at least better than most of the shit in the charts" to be absolutely worthless; I would rather an artist, in this case Ryan Adams (one of my favourites, for the record) made outright terrible music with utter conviction than sleepwalked their way through their music, as Adams seems to have done on the aforementioned tracks, or Coldplay have done throughout their entire, reprehensible career.

To give this blurb the structure of a slow ascension from the worst tracks on "Ashes & Fire" to the greatest, I could give or take Chains Of Love (with its engaging, stately string arrangement) and, with its magnificent vocal and motherfucking rockin' climax, Do I Wait. However, if anyone tried to take the following songs from me, I would beat their asses up and down the street; Dirty Rain is a consumate opening track, its oblique imagery supported by a piano-heavy instrumental track that elevates Adams' amazing singing, Ashes & Fire is one of his best songs, a truly momentous achievement with a roots-rock feel that harks back to his best album, 2005's melodically supple and heavily Grateful Dead-indebted "Cold Roses", Invisible Riverside, with its laconic electric piano and wah-wah, is a far greater approximation of that sun-baked Laurel Canyon vibe than anything Fleet Foxes could dream of mustering and the fairly popular single Lucky Now is unremittingly gorgeous [GOT THE HARVEY SLADE SEAL OF APPROVAL YO]. When the album concludes with I Love You But I Don't Know What To Say, the track has shown both Adams' penchant for schmaltz and his continued awesomeness. That's not even touching upon those incredible bonus tracks!

"Ashes On Fire" is not a return to form; while Adams has never actually lost his form, the LP verges on Middle of the Road as often as "Easy Tiger", though not quite so much as the awful "Cardinology". Check it out for good songs, though!

guys I'm snowed the fuck under with writing right now, seriously have no time for this.

However, I'll do miniblurbs

8. The Feelies - "Here Before"
good reunion shit

7. Raekwon - "Shaolin vs. Wu-Tang"
this is an awesome album to the extreme, only blighted by the fact that Rock N Roll is the worst fucking fucking fucking piece of shit song I have ever had the displeasure of hearing. my god with that shitass chorus it is so awful, makes me cringe in so many places. Raekwon's bars are sick when he's not havijng some autotuned cuntprick whine about Bon Jovi though.

6. Tom Waits - "Bad As Me"
Waits remains an incredible personality and musician. I say "personality" because really, to enjoy Tom Waits you have to dig his whole ethos and atmosphere, the very idea of Tom Waits. Mark Ribot and Keith Richards slash up their guitars all through these blistering jams, Flea and I think that dude from Primus play bass notes of some sort, and in an awesome work of nepotism, the main man's son Casey Waits beats the drum contraptions along with these A-listers. Waits sounds FANTASTIC. His bark really characterises these cool-ass songs, the best of which is undoubtedly some anti-war punk-metal-rap bullshit called Hell Broke Luce, undoubtedly the best song ever, which has a name originating from some, and I will capitalise this just to  announciate where this fucking genius gets his inspiration, SOME GRAFFITI ON A WALL IN ALCATRAZ, CARVED DURING A PRISONERS' RIOT. Fantastic music from a true hero!

5. David Kilgour & the Heavy Eights - "Left By Soft"
Wonderful power-pop, complemented by Neil Young-style guitars. Which means LOUD and FREELY MELODIC, incase any of you fucking pricks think that sounds acoustic-based.

4. "Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds"
Oasis were awesome, and though Beady Eye suck chud Noel Gallagher continues to bring the choonz. Everybody's On The Run, the opening track of this solid-as-all-hell record, is one of the most uplifting pieces of music I've ever heard. Good stuff Noely G! But please don't ever try blues-rock again, because Stranded On The Wrong Beach is fuckin' unlistenable.

3. Teenage Cool Kids - "Denton After Sunset"
Gorgeously melodic power-pop yet again, this time from a band that wikipedia calls Emo. Thankfully they do not suck, sound quite a bit like the Silver Jews, and aside from one kinda-catchy punk rock misfire, bring the choonz as well, including Landlocked State, something that greatly resembles It's All Over Now Baby Blue and cool ones with loud guitars that bookend it.

2. DJ Quik - "The Book of David"
not even gonna explain this choice. Best new hip-hop record I've heard since, uh, DJ Quik & Kurupt's last album. Odd Future are good but have made some overrated tripe - this is where the genre's at, in the hands of an old pro.

This was completely tying me down. I hate to shortchange these great albums but hopefully my enthusiasm for them will shine through. #1 will get a proper writeup!