http://adventuresofasuburbanstreetposse.blogspot.com/2012/03/tips-to-follow-before-going-off-to.html
4.) Flirt with the staff
Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a cynical world. A cynical, cynical world. You'd be surprised just how far you can get by being that little bit more charming and flirtatious. A smile certainly goes a long way, and saying hello when you see them on the way out of work or asking them how their day has been is a nice thing to do.
Except that's not all you want out of it, is it? I would estimate that I have charmed half the kitchen staff by this point which is noticeable around dinner time when I receive more food than everyone else. When I asked the lady if she'd had a haircut, she gave me twice as much steak pie as everyone else and on another occasion I was allowed one huge piece of steak which was clearly just two stuck together on her good word.
I also have a very amicable relationship with our cleaner, to the extent that I have her on Facebook and she once sent me 11 kisses at the end of a conversation. The benefits of this amicable relationship, beyond the chit chat in the hallway, make themselves known over time. Like when I was sat on the toilet and I hear her shouting 'Harvey, Harvey!' before she entered the bathroom and frantically told me that I'd left my tea upstairs in the kitchen and it was getting cold.
I believe it was Joey from Friends who once said that nothing we do is absolutely selfless; there is always that element of self-interest. Sure it's nice to be friendly, and smile at people - but it still gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, doesn't it? This world is full of selfish pricks only interested in getting that warm fuzzy feeling by giving money to charity or helping the elderly cross the road. The selfish cunts.
But if you are friendly with the people you will see every day in this student environment for the next year of your life, then good things will happen. Remember in Home Alone 2 where that crazy bird lady saves Macaulay Culkin's ass just because he was nice to her? That. Base all of your life morals on Home Alone 2.
5.) Don't engage in sexual intercourse with anyone you're living with
This isn't really my tip; it's something a friend told me before heading off to university. It makes sense though - you should never shit where you eat. And you should never have sex where you eat and shit because then you're all covered in shit and you have to eat it all up the next day, and on a scale of 1 to shit that's a solid H from Steps.
I heard a story that someone I know took a girl home on the first night of Freshers' and then when she went to leave the next morning she simply crossed the corridor and unlocked her own door. It's a mortifying story, and one which I would hate to happen to any of you guys because I care deeply about your welfare*. I live with 17 other people and it's a pretty close environment, even for those who try and keep to themselves. When you're in a living situation any awkwardness is heightened massively, because there's no respite and there's no hiding from them. If two people engage in a relationship and it ends badly, then shit is going to be thrown all around your block.
*readership
Of course, this should never stop the course of true love so you have to weigh up the options. When he or she starts grinding with you in the club on that first night of Freshers', think long and hard about whether you are going to marry that person; whether you are ready to have their child. If the answer is no, then scuttle off and take advantage of someone else. If the answer is yes, then by all means go for it.
6.) Become friends with clever people
A few weeks into my course, I saw someone sat in front of me who was not only recording the entire lecture, but making some real kickass notes at the same time. I thought to myself there and then that she was the one. The one I could steal notes off of for the rest of my degree.
Unfortunately I don't even remember what she looks like, but fortunately I have made some other intelligent friends to leech off of. They're a must-have accessory for any motivated student because when you miss that 9 o'clock lecture, you need to have that booty call on speed dial to steal the notes from. Over time your relationship may develop into more than a booty call - perhaps you will arrange study dates to go over that superhard lecture the other day where OH MY GOD I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD HE WAS SAYING :/ Or indeed you may be able to borrow their textbooks, steal their notes to pass as your own in tutorials or ask for help on coursework in the holidays.
It's a two-way street really; if you're too clingy then they'll catch you and find someone else to suck up to them. So you need to weigh it just about right and be there to help them when they're in need; when they arrive at your door in the pouring rain in tears over the upcoming tutorial, or when they ring you out of the blue and complain that they don't think their personal tutor looks at them in the same way he used to.
Some people don't want to be loved and this is particularly common in my degree, where I was once given the sincerest thank you I have ever received for letting someone peer over at my screen to copy up points the lecturer made that he couldn't catch. He then looked thankfully into my eyes, as if Jesus had just come down and given him a high-five, and told me that people rarely let him copy their notes and are very uptight about it. Gazing back with a look to ease his mind, like a parent tucking a child into bed letting them know that the bullies at school will give up and they will be OK, I told him that it was 'no worries'. In that split second my degree flashed before my eyes; I questioned my purpose in life, in academia, in B62 - the lecture room I was in at the time. I asked myself if there really was such a thing as 'love' or if it were simply a fairytale made up to help you sleep at night, like Cinderella or The Exorcist.
OK, I did none of that - but the point remains that you should steal people's notes. It can be a joint venture but in the end everything's much easier if you help each other out. But follow my advice and try and make that 'help' more one-sided in your favour.
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