Motion: Facebook likes have just made desperate attempts at affirmation and general attention-seeking socially acceptable 2012

TRANSCRIPT OF COURT PROCEEDINGS:

JUDGE:
Right about now ASSP court is in full effect, Judge residing, in the case of ASSP versus Facebook’s “Like” System. Prosecuting attorneys are Jack Frayne-Reid and Harvey motherfucking Slade. Order, order, Jack, take the motherfucking stand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help your cracka ass?

JACK:
You’re goddamn right I do.

JUDGE:
Then why don’t you tell everybody what the fuck you gotta say?

Although this may end up being equivalent to the episode of Mad Men in which Don Draper types a full-page ad for the New York Times named “Why I’m Quitting Tobacco”, cigarette in mouth, I feel obliged to highlight a shocking new craze of addiction sweeping the youth of today; the addiction to Facebook Likes. In search of getting their fix, from a complimentary click of this oh-so-illusive button, your average child, teenager, or young adult will plaster fifty pictures of Friday night’s bout of Darth Vader-mask-clad drunken sodomy over their wall, with their desperate lust for online approval leaping out of their fingers as they send a couple about to select friends on Chat, hoping and praying to Mark Zuckerberg that a peer sees the picture, lightly chuckles, and then clicks the button. Perhaps they’ll even attach a “LOL” or an example of their witty repartee in the comment section, which you too can Like, returning the favour. But don’t hold your breath.

Yet, don’t take my derision the wrong way. I feel comfortable enough around all you guys to admit, I too am a Like addict. But I know I can seek help, somewhere, perhaps with a change of the fickle cultural tide. I’ve tried using Twitter, believe me, but nobody retweets my shit, so it’s too much like going all-out Cold Turkey. It’s even the same with Blogspot, as much as I hate to say it; although a shoutout must go to Ben, the one guy who reads, or at least comments on, my articles here. My last fix was on March 23^rd 2012 when, in a vengeful mood of loathing the self and loathing the system following a University rejection, I posted “I've decided not to go to Westminster University, for many good reasons. For a start, they rejected my application.” 11 Likes. The euphoria. It didn’t matter that the quip was more-or-less plagiarised from Woody Allen’s mediocre Hollywood Ending; I got high off those Likes. Sometimes I even Like people’s statuses tactically in the hope that they owe me one and they’ll bequeath my next Status with a warm, satisfying Like.

I’ve repeated the trick again recently with a comment or two, but as it goes, I’ve fallen from grace, with relation to my mid-2011 peak as an auteur of Statuses. The Like-related activity I most regularly partake in is when I watch a film and think “hmmm, this is pretty cool. Wouldn’t it be super-awesome if all my friends on facebook knew I like it, like the fucking cultured G I am?” So I Like films. Lots and lots of films. I’ve done this with music as well, but not with very many books because I’m probably nowhere near as intelligent as I like to tell myself soothingly at night while I lie in bed trying in vain to get some goddamn sleep for once.

However, my personal struggle aside, there is a greater evil in the world of Facebook; sloganistic, populist Like-mongering that’s far too anonymously simplistic to even be classed as sentimental. When an idiot pulls out all the stops and posts a picture of cancer patients with the moniker “LIKE IF YOU’RE AGAINST CANCER – DON’T LIKE IF YOU'RE NOT” they might as well be not only slapping you around the face with their cock, but doing so to the entire human race. The very idea that there is some twisted misanthrope, somewhere, sniggering behind their computer as they maliciously NEGLECT TO CLICK A THUMBS UP BUTTON because they really, really fucking love cancer and are categorically not against it, is pretty insulting to humanity. This always sounds like a pathetic attempt of personalisation with such a serious issue, but I have had family members who’ve died of cancer. I don’t like (not Like) the illness. I’m certainly against it. And I certainly don’t need to Like a picture to show you that.

But people on Facebook love (perhaps there should be a Love button?) to show they care. I’m sure all you homies Liked the viral video KONY 2012...I sure did. But then, I thought it was important. Everyone else was liking it! What was I supposed to do? Be a cruel, heartless bastard? We all Liked that goddamn thing. Some of us even shared it on our Walls. And then...we forgot. OK, some of us grew disillusioned with the strange, financially irregular, Bible-bashing, publically masturbating Invisible Children charity. But most of us...just forgot. Because to show appreciation of something on Facebook is a fickle thing. I like Likes, but I kinda wish they’d get rid of it and people had no choice but to comment, and actually express views that are, like, from their minds and stuff.

Now, I’m going to post this on Facebook. I wonder how many people will Like it?

Example Scene #1

FACEBOOK:
Pull your goddamn ass over right now

HARVEY:
Aw shit. Yo what the fuck you pulling me over for?

FACEBOOK:
Because I feel like it! You see this bitch's status? You didn't like it! You gonna hurt tha goddamn ho's feelings. Just sit yo ass finger on the Like button and shut the fuck up!

HARVEY:
Man, fuck this shit

FACEBOOK:
Alright smart-ass, I'm removing my fuckin' Like from yo ass's status!

Hi everyone, my name's Harvey and I'm a Like-aholic.

It all started back in 2007, when I first got my Facebook account. Yeah that's right, I was posting statuses crying for attention back when you were all still spouting luv on each other's Bebo walls. Those were the dark days though; I remember when I first started using Facebook the status box automatically came with 'is' after your name, so you couldn't write a status without beginning it with the word 'is'. Harvey Slade is Superman, Harvey Slade is really fucking cool. This coerced third person didn't last for long however, and after that it became optional. And then it disappeared altogether. And then...

That's when it happened. No longer did I have to gauge my self-importance on guesswork of how much people may or may not have enjoyed my inevitably witty, intelligent and informative statuses. Harvey Slade is in Geography. No longer did I have to throw these works of art out into the dark abyss to remain unblemished and unmeasured but for the semi-conversational, poorly written comments from those half-acquaintances whom I added in the midst of the 'whoa a new social network? Best take some new pics with my camera phone in the mirror and upload them to catch the hype' phase. Harvey Slade is on Facebook.

Tyler Durden once said that self-improvement is masturbation. Well, so is writing Facebook statuses. Apparently over 500 million people use Facebook; jerking themselves off with one hand and adding the finishing touches to their own personal take on just how much of a hangover they have this morning omg lol with the other. Zuckerberg's no idiot, we live in a world where thousands of people every day end up sending viruses by clicking links saying 'Find out who's viewing your profile!'. We live in a world where people evaluate their houses not to sell them but just to find out how much they're worth. People like to know where they stand and they like to find their value. People like to feel affirmed and people like to be built up, it's human nature. Facebook has essentially become a globalised tool for affirmation, where people can upload photos of themselves with their tits out so that the chavs from 3 years above who have 2 kids and once fucked their older sister can like them and make them feel attractive, and wanted. People can upload statuses saying how shit a day they've had so that people can comment and even though they inevitably deny them because naturally arrgh ffs i don't want to talk about it sorry xxx, they get to feel like people actually do care about them.

It's a dirty habit, but we all have it. In our capitalist society, Zuckerberg has managed to tap into the greatest resource of them all - human nature. In this great dick measuring contest the sticky mess left in the middle is your home page cluttered with people you don't care about saying things you don't care about but you still go back. You hate it, but you still go back when you've got that gem of a status, don't you? When you pass your driving test there's only one place you're headed and it's certainly not your grandma's to show her the epic wheel spins you can pull off in your K-Reg polo.

I know this better than most, having started working real life part-time to manage my full-time Facebook commitments. I'd always been a good status writer, I'd regularly pick up 8 likes or so, but it was when I got that 32 like status just over a year ago things really started to kick off. This level of likeage is not uncommon, but what made this special is it did not involve passing a driving test, getting an offer or conceiving a child. It was merely about receiving the School's Friday email a few days late. I remember in school the next day people were genuinely talking about it and congratulating me on how well I'd done. Since then I've mustered up a further 8 statuses with over 20 likes and become infamous for my Facebooking skills. I've had numerous people come up to me and say how they love reading my statuses - a trend that has now even travelled with me to Nottingham - and even a few people go up to my sister and tell her the same thing. And no, I'm not joking.

A few of my friends stopped liking my statuses long ago out of envy and hatred and quite a few have tried hijacking my statuses to stop me being such a smug little prick but they've all fallen in the wayside and my statuses have chugged onwards unfazed. In many ways you might say I've won Facebook - but in the greatest dick measuring contest of them all I ask you what is really 'winning' when you only end up surrounded by nobs and covered in semen, jumping up and down as 'Joe Thomas liked your status' appears on your computer screen.

Nobody 'wins' Facebook, because everyone's a loser. It's just a crowd of people bumping into each other and clamouring for attention. Some will get lots of attention and others will get pissed off at not getting any attention and try hunting more attention by writing another status about it - but we're all losers. We're all victims to the same basic attribute of human nature, it's just some are better at it than others.

And when I post this link on Twitter I am going to go onto the settings tab of our blog management page and check how many people have viewed this post at least 10 times before tomorrow has ended. Life, like Facebook, is also a huge dick-measuring contest. But you'd be a fool to never look down at your groin and pretend you don't give a shit if you have a tiny wiener or not.*

"thats a good status slade, many potential likes are available, just hope you took into account the 3 rules of statusing, 1) look at all potential likers online 2) time it so no-one else puts a shit status at the same time, which could affect yours 3) dont base your potential likers on everone, some are too popular, even for you"

- Joe Thomas, 2010

*"The preferred spelling of 'wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant" - Martin, The Simpsons.

JUDGE:
Facebook, the jury has found you guilty of being a vanity-fueled, capitalistic drone muthafucka.

FACEBOOK:
Wait, that's a lie. That's a goddamn lie! I want justice! Like this status! Fuck you, you no-like muthafucka!